Du meine Testperson

Ich habe oft keine Ahnung wie ich mit dir, mein kleines Menschenkind umgehen soll. Manchmal bin ich mir unsicher, was für dich das Beste ist und wie ich dich fürsorglich begleiten kann. Manchmal fühlt es sich so an, als wärst du eine Testperson in meiner Obhut, an der ich ausprobiere wie sich so ein Baby am leichtesten beruhigen, in den Schlaf bringen oder sättigen lässt. Ich probiere dies und das, lese dann jenes und höre anderes um letztlich wieder und wieder meinen Umgang mit dir zu optimieren.

Ich bin nicht perfekt und muss das auch nicht sein. Aber jedes mal wenn ich eine neue Erkenntnis erlange die eindeutig besser ist als alles zuvor probierte, tut es mir im Herzen weh und so leid, dass ich dich aus Ahnungslosigkeit nicht von Anfang an so wertschätzend behandeln konnte.

Du bist mehr als meine Testperson für deine Geschwister die vielleicht noch kommen werden, du bist mein Erstgeborener, derjenige mit dem ich gemeinsam das Muttersein erfahren darf. Du bist der, mit dem wir das Abenteuer Familie erst erlebbar machen und der, dessen unglaublich großes Herz mir jeden Fehltritt verzeiht und vergisst was ich alles an dir ausprobiere.

Wir sind gemeinsam unterwegs, um unseren Weg als Mutter und Sohn, unseren Weg als Familie zu finden. Aber wir sind nicht auf der Suche, sondern auf Entdeckungsreise, mit Tränen und Lachen – wir sind am Leben.

 

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